Tough Conversations? Why Bother??

Before we get any further, the title of this piece is NOT to suggest you shouldn’t be having those conversations you consider “tough.”  On the contrary, they’re probably the most important ones to have.  

That said, where you start from in having them can be the difference between a quick conversation that makes a real difference as opposed to one that you will repeat, and repeat, and repeat.  

Whether its with an individual client or a large group, one of the first perspectives I introduce to explore and play around with is the perspective of “there’s nothing wrong.”  

It is an unusual way of looking at the world.  We talk SO MUCH in terms of what’s wrong.  It might not always be that explicit, but if you look at the language we often use, it’s right there under the surface.  “The problem is…”  “We need to fix…” “___ is broken…”  

We often extend that to the people around us, right down to their way of thinking or seeing the world.  “If I could just get them to see things my way/take my perspective/understand that…”  That way of talking all points to a view that there is something wrong with the way they are viewing it - whatever “it” happens to be.    

And looking at things like “there’s something wrong” has an impact.  

Recently, I asked someone to leave a business-owner’s group that I facilitate.  Aside from breaking some basic agreements, the things they said often didn’t connect to what was being discussed.  I was seeing this as a problem and, seeing it as a problem, was spending too much time thinking about what to do, what to say, and figuring out the right time and place to say it.  By the way, when you catch yourself wasting time thinking and not acting, it is a great way to tell your view is “there’s something wrong.”.  

On my client side, I was working with someone who wanted to make a significant change to a process - one that could significantly reduce errors - but was dealing with a key person who kept insisting the change wouldn’t work.  He kept arguing with them in person and then, in conversations with me, expressing a desire to strangle them.  Wanting to cut people off like that - literally or figuratively - is another great way to tell when your view is “there’s something wrong.”  

When we’re coming from “there’s something wrong” our behavior gets narrow, rigid, less creative and we often tend to do more of the things that already aren’t working.  “More and harder” tends to be the answer.  For me, that might look like, “I need to think about it some more.”  For my client, it involved more convincing, to the point of raised voices.  

Here’s the really great news, and your ticket out those wasteful cycles.  The only reason… THE ONLY REASON that you see something wrong is because there’s something you care about.  Get in touch with - and then interact with - only that, and magic can happen.  

For me, I looked at how I really wanted the group to run.  I’m really interested in a group where people are free to share, what they share is heard, and that in doing so they both contribute to others while being contributed to.  Being part of an environment like that inspires me.  I look forward to being part of a group like that.  

When I focused on that, what to do got really clear and easy.  I asked my person to schedule a time with me and, when we met I told them that, in addition to breaking some agreements of the group, their participation wasn’t forwarding the intention, and I’m removing them.  

They had some things to say about that.  Coming from commitment and not “there’s something wrong,” I could listen without needing to argue or be right.   I thanked them for sharing, and that was it.  Simple.  

On the client side, things were a little different.  His commitment was clear: he had a commitment to excellence.  As he got really clear and connected to that, I could see a lightbulb come on.  “I don’t know what they’re committed to!” he exclaimed.  We walked through having a conversation that would focus on getting to, and then interacting with, their commitment.    

At our next meeting, he came back delighted.  Turns out his nemesis wasn’t a troll who just wanted to make his life harder.  They were resisting because they thought it would create problems for the other responsibilities of their team - responsibilities that were outside of my client’s accountabilities.  When he understood their commitment, the pathway for problem solving opened right up.  They looked together at how they could adjust and implement this new process in a way that honored and supported the other responsibilities of the team.  

The lesson: when you’re stopped, stuck or thwarted, ask: what am I committed to?  What are they committed to?  And what’s the next action that will take me in that direction.