Being an Unmessable-With Leader - Setting Yourself Up to be Present

This is part 4 in our series on being an unmessable leader.  Here’s a link to part 1,  part 2, and part 3. 

Let’s start with the “previously on.”  Being a leader is being someone who communicates so that others imagine a future that matters to them and then act in service of that future’s fulfillment.  Being unmessable with as a leader involves having the capacity to do that in a way that meets the needs of the situation and the people involved.  It could mean being direct and demanding.  It could mean being gentle and nurturing.  The situation decides.   That was what we covered in part 1.  What often gets in the way of being flexible and adaptable is when we get defensive.  That was part 2, which also included some useful practices for letting go of that.  Part 3 was about identifying the “what for” that will keep you centered when the noise in your head heats up.  By the way, any time someone “insults” you, that’s noise in your head.    

In this part, we’re going to talk about quieting the noise in your head, so you don’t get rattled in the first place. 

One thing I often recommend to people who are looking to develop themselves as centered leaders is mindfulness and meditation practices.  Ongoing practices in that realm are very useful in developing capacity to recognize and then sit with noise as it shows up. 

But those are what I call “after the fact” measures.  They’re really great things to have in your tool belt after the noise shows up.  Someone questions my decision.  My mind reacts and says, “Do they think I’m some kind of dummy??”  It then works to do some in-the-moment mindfulness to re-center and get grounded in what’s happening now, which is: they asked a question.  The only insult was in how I reacted to the question. 

Here, I want to work on the pre-conditions.  This is the way you manage yourself and your life to influence your mess-with-ability in the first place. 

What’s critical here is to have a solid grasp on your promises and agreements. 

We could (and in our in-depth series, do) spend weeks on working with promises and agreements and their connection to one’s ability to be present, in-the-moment, and completely unmessable with. 

For now, I’ll just offer a set of useful practices. 

·       Take some time – as much time as it takes – to capture all your possible agreements.  That means, not only the things you know people are counting on your for, but all of those things you are uncertain about.  Are there things people may be expecting from you?  Are there policies you aren’t quite sure you are following?  Did you walk away from an interaction thinking, “was I jerk to that person?”   Get them all on paper. 

·       Note the ones you aren’t keeping, are behind on, or unsure of.  Did you say you would call someone and didn’t?  Make a note of that.  Is that thing you said you would get done Friday probably going to be Monday instead?  Note that.  Are you worried someone took your playful gesture as an insult?  Note that. 

·       Start getting in communication and a) being responsible for what you didn’t or won’t do b) making new agreements for those things you’re behind on and c) getting clarity anywhere you are uncertain you’re actions are in accordance with your word or meeting expectations. 

·       For each one, note how it impacts your ability to be here, now, focused on what matters. 

I can only speak for myself, and I generally find these conversations uncomfortable.  Any time I’m behind on an agreement, need to ask for clarification, or face admitting that, yeah, I was kind of a jerk, my mind goes crazy.  It starts imagining the absolute worst possible things that could happen.  I’ll lose all my friends and clients.  People will abandon me.  I’ll be stripped of all my degrees and, within the week, will be homeless and starving to death. 

What (almost) invariably happens, however, is quite the opposite.  People understand.  They appreciate the communication.  Then, I am able to get more done because, when I face whatever there is for me to handle I’m not burdened by the weight of all those things I haven’t dealt with. 

The less of these dangling threads you have in your life, the better you will be able to look up from whatever is right in front of you and connect to what really matters, and the less messable-with you be in the first place.