Being an Unmessable-With Leader – What the *$#! Is a leader anyway??

This is part 1 in our series on being an unmissable leader.  With each installment, we’ll include links to previous articles and recordings. 

When I started developing myself as a leader, I was completely “messable-with.”  I don’t know if it looked that way from the outside.  On the outside, I maintained a calm, “it-will-all-work-out” demeanor that, in some situations, really worked.  The trouble was, I was cut off from participating in places that might expose that as a façade I was using to cover up this sense that, “I am out of my depth and I do not belong here.”   There were places – literal and metaphorical - I couldn’t go and things I couldn’t say.  It was a significant hindrance to both my expression and my experience of being a leader.   Then, I found Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and I started developing myself to be “unmessable-with.” 

Before we get into what it is to be an umessable-with leader, we have to get into what it is to be a leader.  Without knowing what we mean by leadership, your idea of what it is to be “unmissable-with” can go sideways pretty quick.   Being unmessable-with as a kickboxer and unmessable-with as a Buddhist monk are going to look very different.   How you view leadership and being a leader can really skew your action, if your intent is to do what leaders do. 

People have some pretty mixed up ideas about leadership.  For some, it’s all about position: chief, president, poo-bah, etc.  For others, it could be about credential: Ph.D., MBA, etc.  For others, it may be about demonstrating certain ways of being: outgoing, forceful, intense, daring, etc. 

Think about it.  If you view leaders as people who get things done, no matter what, that will really influence how you answer the question: what is it to be unmessable-with. 

It’s worth some self-assessment.  How do you view “leader” and “leadership?”  What do leaders have by way of credential, characteristics, and position?  You can take a quick assessment now.  Look at the people in your life you see as leaders.  What common characteristics do they share?

Now, throw it all away.  Here’s what it is to be a leader.  It isn’t about your position, credential, or any fixed characteristic.  It’s about one thing and one thing only: communicating so that another person imagines a future that matters to them, and then takes action towards that future’s fulfillment. 

When you communicate so that happens, you’re being a leader.  When you don’t, you’re not. 

When you view leadership and being a leader as an outcome, rather than a topography, being “unmessable-with” gets a lot clearer.  Its simply delivering that outcome, in communication. 

Of course, because it got clearer doesn’t mean it got simpler.  The trick is that it will look much different in difference circumstances and with different people.  Some people will respond to people who talk a lot, excitedly.  Others will respond to those who patiently listen (did you forget that listening is communication?).  And some circumstances will require someone who dares to speak for the group.  Others will require a leader who steps back and holds space for others to solve problems. 

Being unmessable-with is about doing that in a wide range of circumstances with lots of different people.   Its about being adaptable and responsive, and having access to a lot of different ways of being. 

Someone who can’t be nurturing is going to have a tough time being a leader over time.  Someone who can’t be demanding will face the same challenge, but with different people and circumstances. 

So… what do you do with this? 

Start with taking a look at yourself: what ways of being are a challenge for you?  That will tell you where to start building capacity.  For me, it was being demanding.  Expressing excitement and real gratitude was also a challenge. 

I invite you to take a look at yours.  Give it some thought over the next several days, and watch for part II.